When I was 17 I studied film making in High School. Don’t be too impressed. This was mostly because I was a terrible student and not particularly good at anything else. I had seen Star Wars like a hundred million times and that was a film, so some guidance counselor decided I should study film.
Studying film in High School pretty much meant NOT going to a whole lot of regular classes and instead, playing with Super 8 Cameras and smoking a lot of cigarettes. When I studied film it was a well accepted fact that most great directors smoked, so we smoked too. As part of our curriculum we took a field trip to a small film studio above Carnegie Hall in New York City to meet a guy who was making films for a living. I can’t recall his name but the film he had been most successful with was the harrowing tale of a little goblin called “The Noid” who constantly tried to destroy some Dominoes Pizzas. It was a commercial; a series of commercials actually.
Not exactly Francis Ford Coppolla, but still a LOT better than 11th grade Spanish. Anyway, there we were on the street in front of Carnegie Hall smoking like actual film makers when who should walk by but Darryl Hannah. This was after SPLASH but WAY before KILL BILL. She was absolutely beautiful in person but to be fair, I didn’t recognize her from her face. She had been looking for an address and walked right past me – I only saw her long blond hair and her butt.
That Darryl Hannah shot walking nude out of the East River from behind in SPLASH was one of the formative iconic moments of my adolescence. If I close my eyes and concentrate I can see it now as if the scene was playing right there in front of me. Really. I can still do it to this day. As a matter of fact I think I’ll do it right now.
Okay – I’m back. So anyway, Darryl Hannah is walking down the street and I recognize her from behind. I turned to my friend Dave.
“Hey Dave – that’s Darryl Hannah.” and he said, “No Way” and I said – “I’m telling you Dave, I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time studying Darryl Hannah’s ass and THAT is it.”
Darryl had realized that she passed the address she was looking for by now and was coming back toward us. I took a deep breath, got incredibly “Zen” and prepared to make my move. ..
Hold up a sec – let me paint this for you a little more vividly. It was spring. About 75 degrees. Gorgeous day on a NYC sidewalk. Darryl Hannah at this point in time is a HUGE freaking deal to people who watch movies about mermaids. She was also in Blade Runner where she was sadly, mostly clothed. Mostly. My friend Dave and I are 17. She is about 25. We are wearing bad ass black suits because we thought this meeting (with the film maker) was going to be important. We didn’t realize we were meeting the guy who makes Dominoes Pizza Commercials.
You know what? That’s not fair. I have never even made ONE Pizza commercial, let alone a whole series of successful ones so from this point forward, I will “diss” the creator of “The Noid” no more. Ahem.
At this point in time the tabloids were suggesting that Miss Hannah was on the outs with her possibly abusive boyfriend, Jackson Browne so in my 17 year old psyche . . . I had a shot. While this fact solidified in my head, Darryl Hannah walked right toward us. She had been looking for the very building we were standing in front of. She was coming to enter the very door we were blocking . . .
Darryl – Hi. (She had to say something. We were smoking right in front of the door she was trying to get to.)
Me – Hey
Dave – Hello.
Me – You look familiar. Do I know you?
Dave – She’s Darryl Hannah. (THANKS DAVE. THANKS FOR KILLING MY CASUAL FLOW)
Darryl – It’s true. I am.
Me – Oh, yeah. Right.
Dave- Can I have your autograph?
Want to get blown right off the field in the game of attempted celebrity seduction? Just ask for an autograph. I went from being the strikingly good looking possible young business executive to the dude hanging out with “Stalker” Dave.
Darryl – Sure. Do you have a pen?
Dave – No.
Great. Now I have to supply a pen for this nonsense.
Me – Here. Use mine.
She takes the pen and puts it in her mouth while she decides what to write to Dave. I decide to take a shot and try to somehow salvage this . . .
Me – So what are you doing here?
Darryl – I’m taking a film class.
Me – So am I.
Darryl – Really? Well maybe I’ll see you in class.
Dave – We met the guy who does those NOID commercials for Dominoes! It was awesome !
REALLY DAVE? REALLY? I MEAN WTF???
Darryl – Oh. That sounds . . . interesting. (To Me) Do you want an autograph too ?
Me – No. I’m good. Thanks.
At this point, Darryl removes my pen from her lips, writes Dave’s precious autograph, hands it to him, gives me back the pen and is gone.
Some odd erotically feral impulse takes over and I put the pen in my mouth. It’s still wet with her saliva. It tastes like mint and sunshine. Dave watches.
Dave – Dude ! The pen! She had that in her mouth . . . it’s like you just made out with Darryl Hannah!
Me – It’s true.
Dave – and DUDE ! She made out with Harrison Ford in Blade Runner ! It’s like you also made out with Harrison Ford ! ! !
SERIOUSLY DAVE? SERIOUSLY? WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?