The Rudy Chronicles

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As I consider myself an amateur superhero, it seems only appropriate that I should have an arch enemy.   Mine is the best kind of arch enemy to have; Just annoying enough to cause me enough emotional discomfort to want to get into heated verbal arguments, but not so much that I am driven to club him to death.  I mean it’s possible he could at some point in the future lead me to that point . . . but so far we have clashed and separated and lived to fight again “next issue”.   Just as I imagine it should be.

His actual name is a mishmash of about 36 Middle Eastern consonants that both defy my pronunciation skills and my short term memory because each time I have heard his name said – it slipped right away and left me as a torch carrying peasant trying to recall the name of the vampire who wreaked such havoc on my village.  He has never been anything but rude to me, so I refer to him as Rudy.

7112ch5Rudy works the night shift at the 7-11 nearest my house.  He doesn’t want to.  He just does.  He always wears a very fancy Bluetooth  ear piece even if he isn’t on the phone and you can tell that he thinks all the fake gem stones on it make it seem “hip and trendy” when in fact it looks cheap and effeminate.

As girly as his goofy Bluetooth is, Rudy considers himself  a man’s man and proves this by leaning in extra close whenever an attractive woman stops by to purchase cigarettes or a six pack of Lime flavored Bud Light.  When I show up on his line however, it never goes smoothly.  I can’t even get a bag for my purchases without asking twice.  He clearly hates me and I disdain his . . . well I just hate him back.

Here now are the complete Rudy Chronicles from the very beginning.  As more entries are needed, they will be added to the list.

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ENTRY#1

I am a creature of habit and as such go to the same 7-11 EVERY day for coffee.  The very nice gentleman who works there on Saturdays is the ONLY employee who wears a name tag and his name tag says: KHAN.  He has absolutely NO idea why I scream his name and shake my fist in the air while I wait for him to ring me up. Never. Gets. Old.

ENTRY #2

Went to 7-11 tonight. Khan was not there. The other guy was. The one I don’t like. He was working with a new guy.  I don’t know the other guys name because he’s always rude to me so I don’t bother learning it. Let’s call him Rudy.  I got coffee and three other things that needed a bag. New guy just put them in a bag without asking me if I needed one. Rudy always makes me ask. I could have 13 packs of gum, a cup of coffee, two apples and a greeting card and Rudy will always act like I’m going to scoop it all up like one of those amusement park crane games. He always acts like it’s a surprise that I might need a bag. So right away, I like this new guy. I ask him what his name is. He tells me. I say nice to meet you.

Rudy pipes up and says “Why you never ask my name?”

I say:  “I don’t give a shit what your name is.”

There is a full five seconds of silence before the new guy says: “His name is (I IMMEDIATELY FORGOT HIS NAME – SORRY )

I say: “Thanks.”

The new guy smiles and bows his head toward me in a confident gesture as if to say ” I will soon have Rudy’s job.”

We can only hope. My casual community relationships seem oddly complicated. Good coffee though.

ENTRY #3

Dropped off my daughter  at a friend’s house last night and hit 7-11 for coffee as is my custom.  While I’m making my beverage it gets real loud and crowded.  Buncha kids buying slurpees and what not but also 2 dudes in black leather biker vests with two women who appeared to be strippers.

The guys are making a LOT of noise – yelling and screaming about Parliament cigarettes and telling the two ladies to pick out some of the lovely 7-11 florist arrangements.  So the girls do but they also start piling up energy drinks and 12 packs of Coors Light (Blech. Savages) and they yell and scream and grope each other and trade groping partners  and pretty much just ruin the nice quiet convenience store environment.

Worse than that – they don’t pay.  As my arch enemy Rudy keeps adding their random grabs of merch to the bill, they never move for cash. They just keep adding more and more impulse crap and the girls are yelling and screaming now about something in thick Russian accents (best kind of accent in my humble opinion) and the line is starting to go to the back of the store. Rudy is starting to sweat.

They don’t seem dangerous – just “altered” and loud. I made eye contact with one of them and he asked me if I had a problem. I told him I had to be at work in 2 days so if he could move it along that would be helpful.

He said something about work that made no sense to me and the girls laughed. Rudy tried to “check them out” again but they started asking questions about electronic cigarettes. I notice that Rudy is VERY polite to THEM. He never even offers me a bag.  This irritates me. I asked the guy if he was planning to do all of his Holiday shopping tonight.

THIS made everyone on the line laugh. A lot. The guy gave me a stern look and called me a name that was not terribly flattering. I looked at Rudy and asked him why it was taking him so long to ring them up. This was just to F with him as I really don’t like Rudy.

The other leather vest guy said something about cookies and newspaper coupons and his friend started to laugh so hard that he rested his head on the counter. Rudy shrugged his shoulders. I bent down so that we were at eye level and I suggested that maybe it was time for them to move on to Dunkin Donuts before they made someone angry with their foolishness.

I assumed the guy would pop off at this point but he just stood up, turned around and walked out. The girls dropped the flowers and after all that, ironically bought nothing.

Rudy looked me right in the face and said – “Why did you not do that 10 minutes ago?”

I really hate that f*cking guy.

ENTRY #4

Rudy- u drink a lot of coffee.

Me- True.

Rudy- why do u always pay with credit card?

Me- I never carry cash.

Rudy- why not?

Me- I just don’t. I use the card. Then at the end of the month I pay it off.

Rudy- do you get points?

Me- yeah.

Rudy- Maybe u can use those points to get a nicer shirt.

Me- what’s wrong with my shirt?

Rudy- just an observation. You have a lot of Batman shirts. Maybe get a Polo.

Me- dude you wear a smock to work. I don’t need fashion advice from you.

Rudy- this is a uniform. I dress real nice when I go home.

Me- any chance your GQ ass is going to ring up my coffee soon?

ENTRY #5

ME- Hey – Are you ever going to make Colombian Coffee again?

RUDY- (SPEAKS IN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

ME- I’m sorry – what?

RUDY- (Looks straight at me) (Continues speaking in tongues)

ME- I don’t understand.

RUDY – (ROLLS EYES POINTS TO SMALL BLUETOOTH WITH WHITE AND BLUE CRYSTAL DECORATIONS IN HIS EAR)

ME- I’m sorry.  Am I interrupting you? Are you on the phone? Who are you talking to on that thing? Liberace?

RUDY- What you want?

ME- Colombian Coffee.

RUDY- I don’t make Colombian at night.

ME- Why not?

RUDY- No one buys it.

ME – I buy it.

RUDY – You buy one cup. I can’t make one cup. Must make whole pot. No one buys it.

ME – But you make that YELLOW FUSION SUPER ENERGY CRAZY ESPRESSO CRAP all night. Who buys that?

RUDY – I drink that.

ME – So every night you make a whole canister of that garbage cancer swill and NO ONE buys it at all but you won’t make Colombian when you are almost GUARANTEED at least ONE sale a night.

RUDY – It is simple economics. (BEGINS SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE AGAIN)

ME – You know I said I was going to start being more positive and change the way I live my life and you are already getting on my nerves.

RUDY- When did you say this?

ME- Yesterday.

RUDY- I don’t remember you saying that.

ME- I didn’t say it to you.

RUDY – Who did you say it to?

ME- Facebook.

RUDY- You are on Facebook?

ME-Yeah.

RUDY- I see. (SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE. I AM FAIRLY SURE HE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT “CHUBBY BATMAN SOCIAL NETWORKING” but I could be paraphrasing)

ENTRY #6

RUDY – Where have you been?

ME – Here and there. Why do you ask?

RUDY- Thought maybe you died.

ME-  No such luck. I’ve been having more coffee at home.  I Got a Keurig for Christmas.

RUDY- You’ll be back

ME – I don’t know about that. It makes very good coffee.

RUDY- It doesn’t make 7-11 Colombian Blend.

ME – Neither do you.

RUDY – SILENCE.

Score – Me : 1 – Rudy : 0

ENTRY #7

I was driving home from the gym after running for an hour when my 98 pound wife called and asked me to pick up some of the chocolate chip cookies she likes.

Let that sink in for a minute. I ran for an hour and weigh about 257 pounds. She eats cookies that she doesn’t even GET for herself and weighs like . . . NOTHING. Sigh. Whatever . . .

Ok, so I stop at 7-11 and go in to get them for her. As I’m perusing the choices and wondering if I have the willpower to abstain from eating any of them I recall that we are out of milk. So I am now on line at 7-11 with a box of Entenmanns Chocolate chip cookies and a half gallon of milk.

I came straight from the gym so I am wearing shorts, an open zippered sweatshirt and a Batman T-shirt. I notice that 7-11 now sells tiny little stylus pens for use on touch screens. They are 3 bucks and that is CHEAP so I am inspecting them closer when he sees me.

RUDY- I see you are still eating healthy.
ME – These aren’t for me.
RUDY – Who are they for?
ME – My wife.
RUDY- You have a wife ?
ME – Yeah.
RUDY – (shakes head as if he cannot believe someone married me) Are you going to buy that? (The stylus)
ME – I don’t know- is it any good?
RUDY – What do you want to use it for?
ME – Well apparently I’m an artist now.
RUDY – You’re an artist?
ME – Yeah.
RUDY – What kind of art?
ME – Cartoons.
RUDY – You draw cartoons?
ME – Yeah
RUDY – Which ones?
ME – I don’t understand?
RUDY – Do you draw Sponge Bob?
ME – NO.
RUDY – Well what do you draw?
ME – I draw cartoons. MY cartoons.
RUDY – Well what is the name of your cartoon?
ME – I don’t really have a name for them.
RUDY – Well where can I see your cartoons?
ME – You want to see my cartoons?
RUDY – Nope.

Well played you son of a bitch. Well played.

ENTRY #8

Me: Hi Khan, since when do you work nights?
KHAN: Since something happened to (I CANNOT REMEMBER HIS NAME).
ME: Was he murdered by Meth Heads looking for single dose packets of Sudafed?
KHAN: That was oddly specific. No. No he was not murdered. He was transferred.
ME: Transferred? Transferred where?
KHAN: To the owner’s other store.
ME: Why?
KHAN: I am not certain. Apparently some ladies came in one night and roughed him up over some argument with their friend. They were telling him that he should stop treating him so rudely and threatened to take persuasive action in his defense.
ME: Did you say “Rudely”?
KHAN:Yes they kept calling him Rudely.
ME: Did they maybe say “Rudy”?
KHAN: Maybe . . . it could have been Rudy. They were very angry.
ME: I see.
KHAN: I made a fresh canister of Colombian Coffee.
ME: I see. Thanks. I think I’m just going to have the regular tonight …

ENTRY#9

I finally tracked him down.

Rudy- What do you do? Spend all night driving from 7-11 to 7-11, buying up all the Reese’s Peanut Butter cups?

Me- I came here to see you.

Rudy- For what purpose?

Me- I’m not sure actually. We need to get you back in the other 7-11.

Rudy- I’m not going back there. Crazy women come in there screaming and yelling about some boy they think I’m cheating with or something. I tell them I like women only and they are all- you better be good to him and I don’t know how to get across to them that I am not gay because they yell so much…

Me- You could start by taking out that Disco Bluetooth.

Rudy- What?

Me- Nothing, I’m sorry. Force of habit. Look. I think I might be the guy they were talking about.

Rudy- You are gay? You said you were married – you are married to a guy?

Me- No. I’m not gay, I’m just saying that its possible that I am the person they were talking about,

Rudy- If I was gay I could do a lot better than you.

Me- I’m not sure how to respond to that.

Rudy- Why do these women think I’m having a problem with you?

Me- I may have told them that you do.

Rudy- What the frig is wrong with you people? Blah blah blah all the time with your complaints and problems. I need a bag – WAHHHHH – You don’t have the coffee I like – WAHHHH – Your big problem is they don’t make superman underwear in a 2x size.

Me- Ok. I had some of that coming. We need to get you back to the LOCATION WITHHELD FOR RUDY’S SAFETY AS APPARENTLY THAT S A CONCERN NOW 7-11.  Khan isn’t a night person and this is too far for me to drive to f#ck with you every night.

Rudy- I told you I am not gay.

Me- F#ck WITH you. It’s not the same.

Rudy- You are a terrible customer.

ENTRY #10

Went to my usual 7-11 and Rudy was finally back.

Me- Hey ! You’re back! 
Rudy- Hello sir.  Welcome. Is there anything I can help you to find. 
Me – Nope. I’m just going to grab a cup of coffee – don’t suppose you made any Columbian . . . 
Rudy – We have four different flavors brewed right now and they are all fresh.
Me- What’s going on? 
Rudy- Pardon me sir? 
Me – Stop calling me sir . . . 
Rudy – Is there something I can help you with? 
Me – Why are you being nice to me? 
Rudy – It is my job to ensure that all of our customers are well cared for. Have I let you down in some way? 
Me – You hate me. I hate you. Why are you suddenly being nice to me.  Hey – where is your disco bluetooth ?
Rudy – I cannot do my job properly if I am talking on personal phone calls. 
Me – Are you on drugs? 
Rudy – No sir. I am not.  Would you like to purchase a single dose packet of Advil?
Me- Wait a minute . . . where have you been all week? 
Rudy – I was at a 7-11 training center. 
Me – I knew it! Those bastards brain washed you. It’s like the end of One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s nest! What have they done to you! 
Rudy – Are you going to throw the Slurpee machine through the window? 
Me – No of course not – wait – what? Are you f*cking with me ?
Rudy- Three kinds of coffee my ass – hurry up and get your cupcakes fat boy – I don’t have all night to sit here and chat with you.
Me- Whew. You scared the hell out of me.

 

TO BE CONTINUED…

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